Fuddy-Duddy Me?
by Paul McGoldrick

Truth in advertising is a big deal in some countries of the world. In the UK, for example, a TV commercial was pulled recently when the standards authority determined that a spoof of President George W Bush (putting a video tape in a toaster) could not be used without his permission. Commercials are regularly pulled when manufacturers cannot back up claims that they have made. Such protection does not exist in the US, except to the extent that you could take legal action after the event if a product does not do what was promised. You could also take action, of course, if the product actually causes you harm…

I was more than a little amused by a product feature, in the last Crutchfield catalog I received, for an Alpine V-Power amplifier that is designed for motoring enthusiasts who want to pump 100+ W into a vehicle sub-woofer. It is explained that the amplifier uses the "same engineering and premium quality that it puts into its more expensive amplifiers." A little photo of a circuit board has three arrows pointing to "The Inside Story" features of the amplifier. I offer these without any commentary for fear of sounding like I am snickering:

1. Fast acting MOSFETs beef up the voltage coming from your car's electrical system
2. STAR Topology circuit board design minimizes ground noise for cleaner musical output
3. Extra-large capacitors keep the power flowing during musical peaks

Ok, enough for amusement; a few pages later in the same catalog we have tragedy in the form of custom accessories for your car or truck, and clearly aimed at that group of Honda enthusiasts who spend a lot money making their vehicle look different. I offer a few of the products in despair of my own obvious lack of being modern in matters of road safety.

• "You've worked hard to get your car looking like no other - now finish the job by altering your lighting scheme!" On offer is to replace your standard white lamps with orange, red, green, and varieties of blue "bulb" on your car. Sick and dangerous.
• "…give you a 30% greater lumen output than standard bulbs (sic)" with "plasma" devices to "replicate the blue High-Intensity Discharge systems found on high-end cars." Yes, I've met a lot of these people on the road and, just by the way, they also forget to adjust the beams correctly - or do they?

How about windshield wipers that are described as "Euro Blades." You can have them in red, yellow and blue - and they start to glow after sunset. Cool way to impair your vision, huh?

But that's not all…you can cover the inside of the passenger cabin with neon wire (comes in 5, 10 and 15 feet lengths) and you can cover your standard pedals with black or chrome glowing ones (you only get a $5 discount for automatic pedals) while you have 16 neon tubes dancing to your music - or, more likely, your bass.

I'm obviously going to be one of those old fuddy-duddies who keeps his hands on the wheel while trying to avoid the Las Vegas light show vehicles as they thunder by. But I'll bet you this - when I get what I pay for, what I get is generally more than gibberish. I'm not sure these road warriors can say the same.

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