An International Nightmare
by Paul McGoldrick
Twenty years ago I regularly traveled 120,000 true commercial air miles
a year, with some nice and some rather unsavory destinations in the list.
There must be some colonial blood in me from previous generations because
it never disturbed me to land in a country where it was the convention to
bribe your way through the airport or deal with the intricacies of secret
police and the like. And a list of countries I haven't been to in this world
of ours is much shorter than the list of the ones I have been to.
But some in-air experiences are more scary…
I'm not talking here of the times the airlines have tried to kill me, but other strange in-air occurrences that still haunt me. Being stuck with a razor by a 12 year-old traveling alone in Business Class to London on United Airlines (the airline never apologized but did eventually concede to looking at the items they might restrict in an "overnight bag" handed to minors). Or watching incredulously as a passenger tried to light up a small stove -- to make tea -- in the aisle of a flight from Kano to Lagos in Nigeria. And how about the passenger who had secreted a couple of bottles of whisky under his seat, which he managed to completely drink before landing in Riyadh?
Yes, I've seen some interesting things up there...but one is coming up which is something I have dreaded would eventually happen.
When they started to put phones in airplanes the price was too daunting for most passengers (and their expense report signers), and those back-of-the-seat units have become history on most airlines. But now we are entering another, "brave" new world. "Connexion by Boeing" is now standard equipment in many aircraft on both Atlantic and European-Asean flights with Japan Air, Singapore Air, British Airways, SAS and Lufthansa providing dedicated Ethernet connections to many First Class and Business Class seats and Wi-Fi to the whole aircraft. Typically, for $19.95 a flight, you can have between five and fifteen hours of high-speed access.
That sounds great for the business flyer who wants to get some work done or maintain control of the e-mail trauma that we now all seem to live with - what price the opportunity to delete spam before it turns into a tidal wave? And, for the likes of me, with sleep apnea, I can no longer sleep on a plane -- the instant I nod off my system jerks me awake -- sp work and/or reading are probably my only alternatives. But what I dread is "cell hell" in the sky. How long will it be before you have to endure someone talking on his/her VoIP headset for the solid ten hours from San Francisco to London? There is no etiquette for these people on the ground, in public bathrooms, restaurants, theaters and concert halls. Why should they change in the sky?
Worse is to come. I would predict that before 2006, the FCC will lift the ridiculous (from a purely technology standpoint) ban on the use of cell phones in the air. When I flew myself around the South-West of England it was common to ask the tower to call for a taxi to meet me, and you can still radio the likes of Hertz at many airports to advise of a private plane arrival. But the idea of several hundred people calling ahead from an arriving aircraft to organize their pick up at the outside curb is terrifying. Enough people already have to tell their world about their approaching departure and their landing, in excruciating detail. Will we really also have to endure the loud hands-off conversation about being over Salt Lake City, "looks nice down there, today!"
Maybe we should pressure the airlines to have a technophobe section on all flights, or have a check-in question of "Will you be using your cell phone aloft today, sir?" Then they would be required to sit bunched right next to others of their own ilk.
My 120,000 air miles per year is now down to about 25,000. Cell phones
in the cabin will undoubtedly increase the number of times I drive instead
of flying…